Wood Chips Violate Constitutional Rights

AP -- In yet another landmark ruling, a federal court in the Ninth Circuit ruled this week that wood chips violate the civil rights of disabled children because the chips prevent the disabled from accessing playground equipment where they can do gymnastics, cartwheels, one-armed push-ups, and all of those other activities they would most certainly do were it not for the rights-violating processed-tree leavings. The district court ruled that the chips violate disabled childrens' 14th Amendment Constitutional right to prevent other children from behaving non-disabledly.

As a result of the ruling, wood chips in the school district, and possibly throughout California if the ruling sticks, will be sentenced to up to 15 months in federal prison, pay fines ranging up to $10,000 each, per violation, and be required to randomly injure so-called "non-disabled" children until all children in the district are incapable of using the playground equipment.

Replacement of the offending chips will relieve the district involved of nearly $3 million.

"This fine came along at just the right moment," a spokesman for the school district said today. "We were in danger of having money to spend on history, literacy and the arts. Today's important fine will ensure that the chlidren of this district will remain in -- metaphorically speaking -- little intellectual wheelchairs from which they will be unable to reach the little intellectual parallel bars and the dreaded swing-set of thought."

The spokesman was instantly arrested for intentional abuse of a minor metaphor.

Tree chips violate childrens' rights