Doom 3 International Championship

Los Angeles, California -- The International “Doom 3 Players’ championship” is now under way, and the American team is dominating the individual competition.  Team Competitions, pitting two-man partners against two-man teams from other nations, begin next week.

The Iranian team seems to have hit the skids big time, with the entire team having been eliminated in the first round of individual competition.

“They keep shouting, ‘We love Death, you love life,’ and then they get killed.  Well Duh. It makes for really short games, unfortunately,” said 14 year-old individual competitor Billy “Gompers” Stonemason from Van Nuys California.  

Last year’s individual champion, Hastings Clauswitz III, said the teams from Muslim countries all seem weaker these past few years.

“It’s really kind of boring,” Clauswitz says, “We all sit in the same conference room, and you hear some guy shout, ‘Allah akbar!’ so, like, everyone hits their shield button and the guy explodes.  You win.  Talk about stupid.”

“The Palestinian team sucks, too,” Clauswitz said.

Another unexpected loser was the French team, also completely eliminated in the first round of individual competition.  

“They never shoot,” Stonemason said.  “They just send you text messages asking for a peace conference.  It’s a war game, dude!”

Several other western European nations also faltered at first, but began getting their mettle together at the end of the first round of individual play.  The German team – no surprise there – at the outset of play seemed intimidated by the Iranian tactics.  They caught on quickly after hearing “Allah Akbar” a few too many times, and soon were playing hardball Doom 3 with the Americans.  The British team seemed to be catching on at the end of the first round as well.  Only time will tell how these teams fare as the Doom 3 Players’ Championship heads into the second round of individual play.

For the first time in the Championship’s short history, the UN has also fielded a team, although none of the players showed for the first day of competition.  Several UN team members were found in local brothels, and three were said to be in jail on charges of attempting to persuade local politicians to bribe them for political favors.

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