Stoopid Koran Tuesday!

One of Western literature's greatest stories is the play in the Book of Job, which is a fictional work, but one that carries many, many messages. In my Bible, Job is fifty pages long, filled with some of the greatest poetic images, arguments about the existence and nature of God, and, well, I read it probably once a year because it's so powerful.

Here is the ENTIRE STORY OF JOB as told by a certain medieval tribal warlord. Surah 21:83-84

"And remeber Job, when he cried to his Lord, "Truly distress has siezed me, but you are the most merciful of those that are merciful."

"So We listened to him: We removed the distress that was on him, and We restored his people to him, and doubled their number -- as a grace from Ourselves, and a thing for commemoration for all who serve Us."

Period. End of story. No arguments between men, no facedown with God, just some guy in distress who says, "Hey, a little help here?" and suddenly it's all okay. This isn't even a Cliff's notes version of the Book of Job. I give Mohammed an F on this one.

Presbyterians Replace Trinity Wording

Boston -- AP The Presbyterian Church USA Delegation meeting here Thursday voted to revise its description of the Trinity to use more "inclusive" language. "Father Son and Holy Ghost (or Spirit)" will now be replaced in Presbyterian worship services with any one of the following:

Rock, Redeemer and Friend (to include those offended by patriarchal language)

Mother, Child and Womb (to include fans of "The Vagina Monologue")

Lover, Beloved and Love (... Nora Roberts aficianodos)

Giant Kahuna, Somewhat smaller but no-less-important Kahuna Windy Kahuna (... Hawiaians)(special award offered for readers who know how to spell "Hawaiaiains")

Allah, Mohammed and the Ummah ( ... Muslims)

Big Dog, Little Dog and I Do Not Like Your Hat (... beginning readers)

Great Void, Mere Historical Figure and Nothing ( ... atheists)

GAAAAAAAA, Fuck you! Grrrr, shit-for-brains (... persons with Tourette's Syndrome)

Atfher, Sno dan Yhol Ghots (... the dyslexic)

Hamster, Frog and small grey dog (... the just plain silly)

Rev. I.M. Kluleth explained the motivation behind the changes.

"Seeing as our demonomination is hemorrhaging members like a fatted pig gored by a four ton raging bull, our plan was to simply quicken the process and drive out the rest of our members as soon as possible," Klueleth lisped. "We think this is just the right move to get that done."

"Then those of us who are left can cash in selling all these empty churches for condos." Kluleth thaid. "Arizona, here I come!"

--30--

Allah Captured; Al Queda Folds!

Bahgdad, Iraq -- AP

Iraqi police Monday captured the mongrel god Allah in a hideout 30 miles south of the capital city in a daring morning raid. The scent of cooking bacon led American troops to the spot where the plush "god" was hiding out in a porn-movie theatre-slash-gay bar. Here is a recent photo of the arrest:



Allah was busy puzzling over all of the weird contradictions in his Koran when American troops swept in and nabbed Him.

In response to the arrest, Al Queda Not-In-Iraq announced its dissolution.

"He was dressed in a plush pig suit, for Allah's sake," said Al Queda Not-In-Iraq spokesman Abu Ali Wadi Hibiscus. "I've got to stop saying that. How aobut this. "Jesus H. Christ, He was dressed in a plush pig suit. We give up."

Stupid Koran Monday!

Ladles and Jellyspoons, Today we once again stick our arms deep into the dungheap that is the Godforsaken Koran and yank out particularly rancid bits for your enjoyment. Today, Mohammed frightens his gullible audience with (intentionally?) bad history and mixed up Jewish biblical stories. Enjoie!

Sura 11, verses 50-60 finds our favorite medieval tribal warlord talking about the people of "Ad" who were sent the prophet "Hud," and they of course rejected his message that Allah was the only true God and so bad stuff happened to them. I'd like to see an archaeologist follow that up like they have the Bible.

Anyway, verses 61-68 finds prophet Salih telling the Thamud people basically the same thing Had said to the Ad people. Then there's something about a she-camel. Salih warned them not ot harm it, but they did, so Allah blasted them and their homes were "as if they had never dwelt and flourished there." Subtext: Don't ask me where they lived; they're gone. You'll never find them. ... How handy.

Verses 69-82 find Mo telling abomut Abraham visiting the people of "Lut", who of course reject his message which is exactly the same as Salih's and Hud's, and -- ahem, Abe is warned not to look back when God sends fire and brimstone on "Lut."

Hello! Mo -- you goofed. That's the story of Lot and Sodom and Gomorrah! Apparently, Allah can't keep his stories straight. Or maybe Mo made them up from what he recalled from what the Jews said. I will wager big time on the latter.

Verses 83-95, the Madyan people are visited by Shu'aib, they reject the message and disappear, handily, without a trace. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

In short, "don't reject me because there were all these other people who, by the way, you'll never find any record of because they were so verily smited, rejected the same message and boy, you don't want that!"

Sheesh. What a transparent charade.

Here is recent photo of the Angel Gabriel dictating these verses to Mohammed:

Illinois Wildlife State Park, Peoria

I took two days off with my two older daugthers and went this place. Very cool. Then today we shot skeet. They're getting quite good. When they can shoot something moving, they can date.

Stupid Koran Monday!

Remember I said the Koran was a literary embarassment? Well, today we begin to tackle that. Here is a "parable" apparently directly from the lips of God (who, any objective bystander will admit, was -- if this is His parable -- way bad at these compared to his Son):

Allah sets forth the Parable of two men: one a slave under the dominion of another; he has no power of any sort; and the other a man on whom We have bestowed goodly favors from Ourselves [why is Allah speaking in the plural?], and he spends thereof freely, privately and publicly: are the two equal? By no means; praise be to Allah. But most of them know not. Surah 16 verse 75

Okay, first of all that's hardly even a parable. A story, maybe, but not a parable. Allah sucks at parables. But more important, what's the "moral" of this "parable?" Apparently, Allah likes rich people better than slaves. Um ... Well I think most Christians can easily disagree with that.

Ever onward. Another "parable" from the very lips of Allah:

Allah sets forth another parable of two men: one of them dumb, with no power of any sort; a wearisome burden is he to his master; whichever way he directs him, he brings no good: is such a man equal with one who brings justice, and is on the Straight Way? Surah 16, verse 76

Not a parable. No, a merciless, power based story that tells the listener: gain power, abuse the afflicted.

Last one for today. A proof of God's existence:

Do they not look at the birds held poised in the midst of the air and the sky? Nothing holds them up but the power of Allah. Verily in this there are signs for those who believe. Surah 16, verse 79

Um ... well actually aerodynamics and evolution explain that. Don'tt need God to make birds fly. Wouldn't you think if God Hisself were going to "prove" His/Her existence, He/She could come up with someting better than -- "Ooh, looky, there's a bird!"????

What an immensely disappointing book, this Koran. I see no inspiration in it at all.

Here is a recent photo of Allah dictating a Parable to Moohamed:

No more Islam bashing

No more Stupid Fatwah Mondays. These two Fatwahs make is completely unnecessary to criticize Islam anymore. They have completed my mission for me. (Although the Koran is still fair game.)

There is no Freedom in Islam

Here is a recent photo of the Imam issuing this Fatwah:



























All Non-Muslims Must Be Killed

Here is a recent photo of this Imam issuing his Fatwah:

Amazing Interview

An outstanding interview with Ally-boo-boo Moocow Zarcoweenie this morning.

Zarcoweenie Interview

Here is a recent photo of His Boo-booness:




No, no. Not the bearded guy. The box.

The Koran, Part 5 (b)(3)(D)(iii)

Apparently God doesn't understand the Christian doctrine of the Trinity. At least, if that's who was giving these words to our Favorite Medieval Tribal Warlord.

"And Behold! Allah will say: "O Jesus the son of Mary! did you say unto men 'Take me and my mother for two gods beside Allah?" He will say 'Glory to You! never could I say what I had no right to say!" yadda yadda yadda. Surah 5 v. 116

Anyway, Mary is not part of the "three gods" of Christianity, but apparently either Allah or Mohammed were really mixed up about this. It's a difficult concept, to be sure, but you'd think God'd get it.

Hmm. Is this God talking or a pissed off warlord?

"The Bedouin Arabs are the worst inunbelief and hypocrisy, and the most fitted to be in ignorance of the command which Allah has sent down to his Messenger" yadda yadda yadda. Surah 9 v. 97.

Maybe this is why the Bedouins help Israel?

Okay -- That's enough for now.

R.I.H. Ahboo Moosab Zarcoweenie

Here is a recent photo of the now passe "sheik":

The Koran Part XII

I give up. I was going to try to do this in some sort of systematic fashion, but 1) The Koran is not systematic, so it's really a pain the ass to develop a system for it; V) I have no system, and, B) so I'll just leaf through my copy and comment on how stupid this book is. In sum, if you have no patience, and I can hardly blame you, my review of the Koran is that its contribution to the human project of understanding who we are and why is: nil. Anything interesting in the Koran is utterly derivative of the Hebrew (or, Jewish) Scriptures. Everything else is the result of 1) what today would be considered medically treatable illness or, VII) just plain bad writing or thinking.

The Koran sucks.

I am not going to explore the multitude of Koranic passages about killing Jews and Christians and other infidels. Jihadwatch.com has enough of that. I'm instead going to analyze the book as a philosophical and spiritual book.

It sucks at that, too.

So, Part XVIVXIXII

Surah 5 Verses 72, 73 and 75

"Certainly they disbelieve who say 'Allah is Christ -- the son of Mary. But said Christ [huh?] 'Oh Children of Israel, worship Allah.'"

Okay. 1) Dude doesn't even begin to understand the Trinity. 2) "Christ" means "Messiah" and "the Annointed." So, you'd think God would know that, so why is this non-God called "Christ?" My guess? Mohammed had no idea what the word meant. 3) There is no record evidence from the witnesses to Jesus' ministry (which is what the Gospels in fact are) that Jesus told anyone to worship Allah. He made very specific claims about who he was.

Okay, done for today. Slice and dice some more Koranic bullshit tomorrow.... or the next day.

Stupid Fatwah Monday!

Here is a recent photo of the Imam spewing against the Flag of St. George.

Haditha is not My Lai

Duh. One of the many reasons, so well spelled out in the article you'll see if you click the link below, is that the enemy is not obeying the laws of war but dresses like civilians. That all but guarantees that civilians will be mistaken for combatants.

"[T]hose who wish to sit in judgment over the Marines at Haditha (before the investigation is even completed, mind you) manage to put on the blinders and refuse to consider how the actions of the terrorists almost guarantee these events will happen."

Haditha, the Laws of War, and the Terrorists

Another reason, as the author alludes, is that the investigation of My Lai is completed. The investigation of Haditha has just begun.