Jabba the Gore Testifies Before Congress

AP -- Former US vice-president and Carbon-Footprint God Jabba the Gore testified before Congress today that "hardly any" puppy blood is utilized in the manufacture of florescent lightbulbs. Caught on the defensive before the Committee to Destroy American Business, Jabba admitted, however, that carbon offsets depend almost entirely upon puppy blood to reduce the amount of carbon that Jabba's personal jet and Nashville mansion consume in an hour -- which is almost as many calories as Jabba consumes in an hour, but that's another story.

Speaking of another story, a duck walked into a bar and said, "hey, you got any duck food?" The bartender said, "This is a bar, we don't carry duck food."

[Editors: We're sorry. The prior reporter has been shot. Thank you.]

Jabba testified that he also purchases "calorie offsets," from African tribes whose children starve to death due to lack of water, electricity and other common modern items that they will be denied to save the Planet from Global Warming. "It's simple," Jabba murgled between half-pound McDonald's burgers, "Two cheeseburgers, one dead African baby. I'm calorie neutral!"

Jabba then swallowed three week-old Shamrock shakes (two and on-half African 3 year-olds), farted (two carbon-offsets, or its equivalent, one African village without power for six months), as the Committee members hailed him as a "prophet."

"You're a damn prophet is what you are!" said one syncophantic Democratic Congressman (as distinguished from the other syncophantic Democratic Congressmen. Oh, and Congresswomen!) "Why, I recall when you said there would be information all over the place, and now there is, and then you said there was global warming, and it's like, what, 70 degrees outside!"

"But not the The Prophet, you know, that Mohamed guy, I mean, there's a prophet!" Syncophant-Boy continued. "Phew, that was close."

Jabba farted again, leaving that village without power for an entire year.