Jabba the Gore Testifies Before Congress

AP -- Former US vice-president and Carbon-Footprint God Jabba the Gore testified before Congress today that "hardly any" puppy blood is utilized in the manufacture of florescent lightbulbs. Caught on the defensive before the Committee to Destroy American Business, Jabba admitted, however, that carbon offsets depend almost entirely upon puppy blood to reduce the amount of carbon that Jabba's personal jet and Nashville mansion consume in an hour -- which is almost as many calories as Jabba consumes in an hour, but that's another story.

Speaking of another story, a duck walked into a bar and said, "hey, you got any duck food?" The bartender said, "This is a bar, we don't carry duck food."

[Editors: We're sorry. The prior reporter has been shot. Thank you.]

Jabba testified that he also purchases "calorie offsets," from African tribes whose children starve to death due to lack of water, electricity and other common modern items that they will be denied to save the Planet from Global Warming. "It's simple," Jabba murgled between half-pound McDonald's burgers, "Two cheeseburgers, one dead African baby. I'm calorie neutral!"

Jabba then swallowed three week-old Shamrock shakes (two and on-half African 3 year-olds), farted (two carbon-offsets, or its equivalent, one African village without power for six months), as the Committee members hailed him as a "prophet."

"You're a damn prophet is what you are!" said one syncophantic Democratic Congressman (as distinguished from the other syncophantic Democratic Congressmen. Oh, and Congresswomen!) "Why, I recall when you said there would be information all over the place, and now there is, and then you said there was global warming, and it's like, what, 70 degrees outside!"

"But not the The Prophet, you know, that Mohamed guy, I mean, there's a prophet!" Syncophant-Boy continued. "Phew, that was close."

Jabba farted again, leaving that village without power for an entire year.

The Horror!

There is just no winning, is there? Try to save the planet, and then this:

Our Next President Reviews Iranian Reviews of 300

Fred Thompson on "300"

Man reads my mind. Oh, day almost 60 or so.

Guess Who!

Jabba the Gore: Global Warming Caused by Muslim Outrage

AP -- Former US vice president Jabba the Gore today announced a suspected new culprit in the inevitable and terrifying future in store for Humankind caused by Global Warming, maybe. Speaking at a conference with Iranian President Makmood Amentojihad, Gore said Muslim outrage may be raising global temperatures even faster than is human progress and industry.

Gore uncharacteristically lashed out at the leader of Shi-ite Iran, mumbling through has cascading fat globs, "Not only do Muslims give off more body heat when they're outraged, but the incessant shouting of 'Allah Akbar' and 'Death to America' releases massive amounts of carbon dioxide, which is scientifically and definitively proven to have some sort of ill-understood statistical relationship to warmer temperatures around the globe, or maybe colder temperatures. Anyway, it's bad!"

Amentojihad expressed (yawn) outrage that the movie "300" portrayed Persians as military losers at the Battle of Thermopylae and as not nearly as buff as the Greeks. "It is well known and historically proven that Persia prevailed at the battle, and then went on to conquer Greece completely, and there never was any Holocaust, and also the Persians had lovely tummies and underwear bulgings just as large as the Greeks," Amentojihad shouted at the top of his lungs over the giggling of the Iranian ambassador behind him, releasing nearly as much carbon dioxide as Jabba's personal jet in three minutes at top speed.

"And these kinds if things:





"Well, who wouldn't be outraged? JIHAD, JIHAD!" he said.

"Are you tired of this?" the author said. "Me too."

WARNING! Massive Global Warming Forecast for Northern Hemisphere in 2007!

AP -- Scientists today issued a stern warning that global temperatures in the northern hemisphere are widely anticipated to skyrocket beginning roughly on March 21 of this year.

"The scientific community is four-square behind these predictions," said former vice president Jabba the Gore. "All meteorological scientists worth their salt are predicting a massive temperature increase of up to 40 degress in just the next few months, possibly 60 degrees or more by August."

Scientists predicted massive snow melts in upper Michigan and Minnesota, coupled with major life cycle changes throughout the hemisphere.

"Flowers will bloom, grass grow, and solar-energy absorbing leaf-like structures will appear on many trees and bushes throughout the northern hemisphere," said one scientist. "This will only serve to increase the threat of continued global warming -- hey, aren't you supposed to capitalize that? -- beyond August and into the so-called 'winter months.' Unless, of course, the earth tilts or something."

98 Percent of Americans are not War Strategists

A new poll released today found that 98 percent of registered American voters are not military strategist, political experts or military historians. Poll watchers wondered whether these facts had anything to do with other poll news yesterday, in which it was revealed that 58 percent of Americans "want the troops out of Iraq in 2008."

"Seems to me," said one poll watcher, "that today's poll numbers indicate that a good number of those asserting yesterday that they troops should leave Iraq actually have no knowledge on which to base their opinions."

Democratic strategist and National Committee Chair Howard Dean commented that "YEEEARRRRRGH! Who needs knowledge? We got emotion! YEEARRRRGH!"

Winston Churchill

"If you will not fight for right when you can easily win without bloodshed; if you will not fight when your victory is sure and not too costly; you may come to the moment when you will have to fight with all the odds against you with only a precarious chance of survival. There may be a worse case. You may have to fight when there is not hope of victory at all, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves."

Rivers of Africa (1893)

300

I wish I could say this is a great movie. It's a lot of fun, and there are definitely some heroic moments in it and some "ra ra freedom" stuff. The cinematography is excellent, and ... did I say this? It's a lot of fun. But don't go to this movie thinking you're seeing Martin Scorcese picture or anything. It's a moving comic book -- which is exactly what it's advertised as.
I've read some of the reviews, and they are all over the top. Those hating the movie compare it to Hitler-era antiSemitic propaganda. Nah, it's too silly for that. Those who love the movie make claims about the film's "greatness" that just don't wash. It's fun. It's silly. It's a moving comic book.
There is a narrator in this film. I understand that this is supposed to be the like the narrator lines in a comic book, but it's utterly annoying, and makes for several laughable moments. Problem is, some of those moments are, apparently, supposed to be the most serious and inspiring. The narration turns these moments into silliness.
There is one moment in the movie, though, that strikes me as very true to real military experience. I hesitate to say what that moment is, because I don't want to spoil anything for anyone. But anyway, here goes (we're talking about a comic book, after all). Early in the movie one of Xerxes' minions threatens the Spartans that "Our arrows will blot out the sun." One of the Spartans responds, Spartanly, "Then we will fight in the shade." Cool line, fine.
Later on, though, the Persians actually launch their arrows, and the Spartans look up in some awe at the spectacle, as the arrows actually blot out the sun. Then the Spartans raise their shields and hide under them, all within earshot of each other, while the arrows rain down for a couple minutes. While they're all hiding under their shields, the Spartans laugh about "fighting in the shade" and other jokes, poking fun at each other, ridiculing the Persians for cowardice and the like. This scene feels real.
The rest of it, though, is just a fun moving comic book. Don't take it too seriously.

New Impeachment Strategery

AP -- Democratic National Committee Chair Howard YEEEAAARG Dean announced to day that the DNC will seek the impeachment of President George W. Bush using the services of Wiccan and Voodoo priestesses to undermine Bush's karma and make his chakras go all higgeldy-piggeldy.
"YEEEAAARG!" said Dean, who has given up making intelligible statements after realizing he never was going to live down the "yeeaaarg" thing.
Former vice president and acting stand-in double for the Planet Earth at his oft-snowed-in Global Warming conferences, Al Gore, commented, "Hey, that's exactly how we came up with the evidence for Global Warming! Great! Why do you guys always capitalize Global Warming?"
Former president and acting stand-in-double for a Mad-Cow-disease-infected traitor to Christendom, Jimmah "the Rabbit" Carter, said he applauded the multi-faith efforts to unseat President Bush.
"Mebah we could geeyit some uh them Jeeyoos to take the blood from the Christian kids they usually use for matzos and have them sprinkle it on the voodoo dolls," Carter said.

Democrats adopt new strategy for Bush Impeachment

Polar Bears Thriving in Global Warming

Is ANYTHING that Gore says true?

Bears like warm weather, too

Allah

This is my interpretation of the word "Allah" in Arabic script. Thank you.

Bible Study

There is - apparently - quite a controversy out there over the meaning of the word "Theophilus," which is the first word in Luke's Gospel. This controversy can now be laid to rest thanks to my in-depth research, which reveals as follows.

Theophilus means "that particular ophilus." Similarly, "anophilus" means, "one ophilus, but not any particular ophilus." "Thoseophiluses" means "that group of ophiluses in particular." And "themthereophiluses" means "you are talking about ophiluses in rural Mississippi."

You may now return to your regularly scheduled Bible study. Thank you.

Is Yo Bama a Llama?

The news says Barack Obama's ancestors owned slaves. So ... does he have to pay himself reparations?

Day 38 or something